Singing along very, very badly to 'Survivor' by Destiny's Child.

Just to get one thing out of the way and clear:

My 7 year old son does ballet. People occasionally look at me a bit oddly and sideways when I reveal this fact, but I’ll sum up the reasons why:

1) He enjoys it.

2) He really enjoys it.

3) DID I MENTION HE REALLY ENOYS IT?

Now that’s out of the way, I was chatting with some of the other ballet parents today (who I love by the way, they’re a hilarious bunch of genuinely interesting people) about working a low wage shop job and how government support for families like mine is rapidly shrinking. Therefore I’m slightly green with envy at some of their fabulous sounding careers and pay packets. But I can see why they are comparatively further on in their careers despite the age gap not being massively huge. It’s all down to timing i.e., not graduating in an economic downturn and the different paths we choose.     

Initially I wanted to be a performer (actually, initially I wanted to be an archaeologist, but when I realised it was less ‘Indiana Jones’ and more ‘Time Team’ my interest quickly waned). Miraculously I was accepted to one of the country’s top stage schools, ‘Italia Conti’, at the age of 17. I think I must have pulled out a very convincing, totally fluky audition that day as this is an institution rammed full of some very good looking, super talented people who ooze charisma, charm and confidence like it’s carbon dioxide. People like me: ginger, geeky, stammery, odd, likes hiding behind their own hands and rarely answers the telephone to strangers through sheer fear were very few and far between.

I found the ambition and drive of some of the other students very, very full-on scary.  But that’s how driven you have to be in the entertainments industry. In my late teens, my idea of being ‘driven’ was in the back of my Dad’s car. It’s not that I didn’t want to work for it and I was lazy, it was that I was too frightened to truly go for it. Fear has always been my bitterest and oldest enemy.  I lacked ambition and definitive direction through fear of saying what I wanted and being ridiculed for it. If I can pass just one thing onto my kids it would be this: Fear is a part of life, but do not let it control you or it will stop you, learn to control it.

I knew that performing wasn’t right for me when I realised I just did not have it in my bones and blood like some of the other kids, it did not motivate me out of bed, it was not my reason for getting up in the day. It dragged me half-heartedly and blearily eyed into the dance studio the majority of the mornings but I knew once I graduated I wasn’t passionate enough or competitive enough to push through the constant rejection that is a career in the performing arts, although I refused to see this at the time despite it staring me in the face in the mirror every morning for three years. More to the point, I was just not, for a myriad of reasons, mentally resilient enough for it. I felt like I was going to die on the spot if I didn’t get to do it for a career, but that’s more because I just didn’t know what else to do, life felt huge, overwhelming and terrifying. I was PARALYZED BY FEAR at this very thought.

Not long after graduating Conti’s and with frightening speed, myself and Ed found we were expecting a baby. This changed my total life outlook. It was like a weird overnight transformation. Once I became a mother I was willing to push myself academically, professionally and personally in a way that I just wasn’t able to before, the fear didn’t go away, but I learnt to deal with it. I had to. Nothing is as scary as a responsibility for a tiny, helpless person. In comparison to that, I can do anything. I turned into some kind of ‘must achieve, must achieve MUST ACHIEVE!’ obsessive. I don’t want to be written off, underestimated, patronised and belittled purely because I have reproduced another human being and did so relatively young. I wanted to get a decently waged job and provide for my family and the obvious route to get one, at the time, appeared to be University. My Conti’s diploma just wasn't going to cut it as proof that I was academically competent apparently! So I put myself through an access course coupled with a minimum wage job to get myself to University. Once there, as well as the standard Uni workload I also had to work 20 hours a week, again in a variety of minimum wage jobs to support our basic financial needs, like eating. The overall goal was to finally have a graduate level job.

Now I’ve had to scale back my ambitions, which I have spent the last decade being doggedly determined and persistent in my pursuit of, now I’d be happy for a modest paying, 9-5 job, that doesn’t involve being yelled at by randomers and I am still not there yet!  

I’m starting to think, career ambition. Meh. Can’t we all just go live on a commune? When the nuclear Armageddon happens that’s what will happen anyway right?   

I suppose this is what is driving me to create an iPhone App from scratch, the inability to get a decently paid career in this current economic climate. I think the fact I went to a stage school and also that my degree was in Chinese suggest something else too: I’m always driven to do something a little bit different.

I’m not frightened of failure any more, I have failed repeatedly, spectacularly with many, many things and NOTHING has killed me yet. I’ve made myself look a fool, stuck my neck on the chopping block and lived with the results of my decisions. While the career might not be there, everything else is. I have a cracking family of boys, therefore life is pretty damn great. I’m grateful.  So there. IN YOUR FACE FAIL FEAR.  

‘Do do do do’ing’ along to the Tetris theme music

Appymum project: THE CHARGER IS ON ITS WAY! HURRAH! Managed to score a cheap £15 number from eBay. Let’s hope it does the trick and isn’t just for display purposes only. I’m itching to start on this project properly now. I’m bored of being all talk and no action. I want action!

Starbucks are currently offering a free iPhone App download of EA’s re-imagination of the classic game ‘Tetris’. Grab a card in-store and hook yourself up! Personally I’m more of a ‘Tetris’ classic, gameplay bird myself, but it has the iconic music so that’s me sold. And it’s free. I like free, especially when our family finances are about to get tighter than a gnat's bottom. Not that I know how tight a gnat's bottom is, but I'm confident its an accurate comparison!     

Belting out nasally ‘Chief cook and bottle washer’ from the musical ‘The Rink’

My eternal task master.

I’ve just spent two hours making the house look passingly presentable. Two hours that could have been spent doing something far more productive and contributive to the human condition.  It could have been two hours better spent looking for freelance work to start on once my paid maternity leave ends in April, or I could have done some more research into ‘Objective C’, OR I could have come up with an economic theory that would bring world peace!!! I’m pretty sure if I didn’t need to bleach the kitchen sink and scrub the hob, I’d be capable of that… or at least be able to budget to pay the credit card bill in full.

It’s not as if this house ever gets into a really grim state, we have a cleaner once a week (a necessity in a shared house to stop us all murdering each other over whose turn it is to scrub the toilet out) but obviously, a pack of small children produces daily mess that needs to be dealt with.

Ed was a stay at home dad to Kam and Reuben for 18 months and he did not tear his hair out over the housework in the way I do, probably because he is sane and doesn't subconsciously attach it to his sense of self-worth. Things were a lot messier, but no-one caught a derivative of e-coli and it was fine, FINE. And the kids had fun. But still, I felt judged on the way the house sometimes was, which was stupid, but that’s often how I felt. There’s muddy welly prints on the kitchen floor! Oh my god! My mother in law’s going to think I’m a complete and utter slattern! When, to be honest, all my mother in law notices when she comes over, is how many sweets she can get into my children’s belly’s on every visit. It’s yet another example of how we pile unnecessary pressure on ourselves ladies, seriously, as long as they’re not risking death by visiting an unfit hovel, NO ONE CARES! And if they do? Do you really want a judgemental knobber like that in your life? This isn’t me giving myself carte blanche, however. Good god, no. The daily cleaning and tidying will have to continue or I’d probably drown in a sea of dirty, small boy underwear, shoes and paraphernalia.  

And I know it looks like I’ve broken one of my own Appymum rules by discussing housework, but I’ve only really mentioned the psychological make-up and values attached to housework. WORLD of difference… I think!

Appymum project: Friday is a big day, Friday is payday and the day I get my donated Mac fully up and running. EXCITING TIMES! I still have no idea what sort of App I’d like to develop, or had much time to research this. See above sink bleaching and hob scrubbing, but I’m getting there dammit. 

Loving a bit of ‘Teenagers’ by My Chemical Romance

Hello Hampshire

So I had a visit back to my hometown! (I use “hometown” loosely, that’s the problem with spending your formative years growing up as an armed forces family. As a consequence I’m rubbish at settling down anywhere) A lesser known part of Hampshire known as Eastleigh. You’ve probably been through Eastleigh on the way down to the coast. It’s that bit on the railway that looks like a massive train depot, there is an actual town there too believe it or not!  Technically I lived in Bishopstoke, a small town next door to Eastleigh, which to my eyes is full-on countryside. It has big fields with cows in and farms and everything. Comparatively it all seems SO rural (which I like! I really like it, I miss the colour green, all I see is the colour grey smattered with the odd bit of grunge), after living in massive choking cities for a long time.    

I was down to stay with my oldest friend (as in length of time I’ve known her, not age!), Caroline, and her lovely boys. She came up to Croydon on the Friday and we decided to take all five boys into central London. That’s two adults, taking five boys under the age of eight, into central London on the train. Three unleashed on foot. Two strapped into a beast of a double buggy. One of them was not particularly happy about being strapped to the double buggy. SOMEHOW we survived. Exhausted and battered we emerged into East Croydon station again some five hours later, but we lived. Can I just put this out there: M&M world, DO NOT ENTER WITH SMALL CHILDREN. You will be forced to part with a deposit for a sizeable mortgage, worth of cash, or rather; your bestie will pay a deposit for a sizeable mortgage, worth of cash (Thanks for taking the hit Caroline!) for what, essentially amount to a few handfuls of not-too-special chocolate that DOES melt in your hands, contrary to your 1980’s advertising M&Ms! We remembered it!

Appymum project: I get some marvellous stuff called MONEY coming into the bank account at the end of the week. Life always boils down to money to get stuff done doesn’t it? I’m still waiting to buy an adaptor for the Mac, those adapters are insanely expensive! I do not know how Apple justifies it. It’s not exactly to pay their suicidal Chinese factory workers, but that’s another rant for another time…      

Swaying to ‘Loser’ Glee cast version… my not so secret guilty pleasure.

The morning after the night before.

I can’t believe I’ve got a hangover from two G&T’s and half a bottle of cava. Christ almighty, that’s just bloody pathetic. It wasn’t like one of the nightmarish hangovers where, you wake up, have that blissful second of amnesia, lift your head off the pillow and then it slams into you tidal wave of pain and nausea, “Why am I actually dying?! DYING!!! God damn you to hell Rose!!!” (I can be slightly over dramatic at times) Thankfully not today though, I’ve learnt my limits through some very hard lessons over the years. Very, very, very, very, very hard lessons…. Best not dwell too much on those! This one’s been more like a nagging nuisance of tiredness that’s dogged me all day.  I could have let the hangover take over, but I’m WELL HARD and pushed through. That and the boys demand perky mum, not get-out-of-my-face-my-head-hurts mum.  

Thankfully because of those very, very, very hard lessons and three pregnancies and much breastfeeding in my twenties, I’m a light drinker these days.  I tend to have a glass of chardonnay a week, if that, and that’s it. My alcohol tolerance is now really low and it’s not a bad thing. It makes me an insanely cheap date, which is handy for Valentine’s Day! We had a lovely, humorous and ‘free’ time. By that I mean it’s just nice to remember that we are actually a young couple still, and now and again it’s precious to get that time together minus the children, as much as we love them! We only went to ‘La Tasca’ and had a few drinks in the Croydon institution that is the ‘Green Dragon’ but it was perfect.    

In non-hanging news: I HAVE THE MAC!!! Myself and the kids made the tram journey to Wimbledon yesterday, spent a lovely hour with the hugely generous Maeve who then gave me the Macbook I remember her bashing out many a mind blowing academic essay on (you have not read an essay until you’ve read a Maeve essay. FACT). I can no longer call it ‘Operation piece of crap Mac’ as that just feels wrong! I Just need to acquire the adaptor and mains plug for it and the bottom half of the screen has viewing ‘ishoos’, but that is absolutely fine as I have a monitor I can hook it up to. Maeve upgraded the hard drive not too long ago so I don’t even have to battle with a slower, 2006 era operating system. So, as far as the Appymum challenge is coming on, it’s all good in the hood. Once I’ve got the last bit of kit I need, I’m good to go. Objective C here I come. 

Lip-syncing in the mirror to Skunk Anansie’s ‘Weak’ with dramatic arm movements and everything.

‘Netflix’ really has been our king.

 

I can feel the slight prickle of panic rising from the hairs on the nape of my neck whenever I think about half term. There’s such pressure to get it ‘right’. Or is there? It is yet another flashpoint in parenting where we pile fictitious pressure on ourselves? On one hand I think, bollocks to it, if we want to sit in our PJ’s watching cartoons all day every day, we bloody well will, but on the other hand I want to make the time I get to spend with the boys, when we’re all off work and school together, vaguely special and memorable. I’m hopeful to attempt a happy medium and that’s surely good enough. And if it’s not? I’m sure no one has ever needed CBT over the fact their mother didn’t make a life size Lego replica of a ‘fire-nations warship’ from the cartoon series ‘Avatar, the Last Airbender’ as requested. Or maybe Kam will be the first. Sorry Kam!

App related activities have been limited to a few speculative internet trawls today. While I’m waiting to pick up the Mac (THANK YOU MAEVE!!!) I’m focusing on Apps I admire and breaking down the reasons why I admire them. What is it about these particular Apps that capture my focus and attention? I’ll write a detailed post about my top ten Apps and why I <3 them ASAP, as I think it will help me formulate an idea towards what kind of App I would eventually like to create for my 6 month challenge.

That is all I can type tonight. I think those dreaded toddler germs have got me. Urgh. Feeling decisively not perky.

Doing the running man to En Vogue’s ‘Free your mind’

Appy days! (I promise I will stop with all the dreadful ‘Appy ‘ puns when I’m bored with them. You’re in for a long wait)

Operation Piece of crap Mac has an exciting update: I’M BEING GIVEN A MAC!!! How unbelievably marvellous is that? This is where it pays to publicise your insane ideas as hopefully, if you’re very fortunate and lucky, someone might actually read them and be able to help you in an unexpected way.  

Maeve you are a wonderful, generous human being. You are A-MAEVE-ZING (sorry) and I promise you an infinite number of baked potatoes in the engineering block from now until forever more. Your old Mac will be going to a very good home and I solemnly swear I will not let Reuben batter it to pieces. Amen.

It’s the start of half term tomorrow. I am ambivalent about February half term, as it’s too cold to properly get out and about for hours on end and I’m still too poor from Christmas to do anything spectacularly interesting with the boys. All hail ‘Netflix’ on the Xbox, ‘Netflix’ is our king. 

Not getting drunk to UB40's cover of 'Red, red wine'

Warning! Icy underfoot!

I’ve started earnestly trawling EBay for operation piece of crap Mac. I’m thinking a Mac mini is the way to go. It seems realistic that I’ll be able to pick up an older model for under the £100 mark. If I set a Mac mini and monitor up next to the PC and another monitor I’ll at least look like a legit computery person (I associate many monitors and many machines at one work station with my Dad and Brother and they are legit computery persons)  

I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow to see if the weather will thaw. Retrieving the PC that’s currently in the man shed would be a suicide mission in current conditions. Our garden resembles more an ice rink of death than anything green and lush and not likely to kill you from underfoot.

  

I am wiped. A toddler riddled with a virus is just exhausting. Who knew?   

I’m ‘Star Trekking across the universe’, no really.

She has a plan, Stan!

I’ve come across this fantastic article in ‘the Guardian’ (natch). It’s a little old, but still relevant I think:

How to become an iPhone App developer in 8 easy steps

So I’m now going to summarise the steps and what they mean to me:

1) Buy a Mac

It CAN be a piece of crap one providing it runs Leopard as its Operating System and the dude featured in the article (Ethan Nicolas, the creator of ‘ishoot’) was balancing a baby on his lap while developing it. I’ll repeat that again, HE WAS BALANCING A BABY ON HIS LAP WHILE HE WAS DEVELOPING IT! Oh my days, just how much on the same wavelength are we? It’s almost like we live the same lives! Disclaimer: I seriously doubt we live anything like the same lives, but it’s heartening to hear this can be done one-handed while you clear up toddler vom with the other.

2) Download the SDK (Software developers Kit)

Yup, can do. Just need to get my hands on a piece of crap Mac first.

3) Learn ‘Objective C’

‘Objective C’ is the programming language I’m going to need to create an iPhone App. The reason I am going to learn another programming language called ‘C++’ first (or at least give myself a crash course in it) is to familiarise myself with programming languages in general and ‘C++’ is very transferable language to learn. And I have some time to kill before I can afford to buy a piece of crap Mac.

4) Start writing something!

I’ll try! I’m guessing this doesn’t refer to an essay? Shame, as I’m cracking at those.

5) Sign up as an official iPhone developer

Cool beans. There’s a $99 sign-up fee but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

6) Prepare for a few weeks of work…

Or in my case, as a complete novice, whose run ragged with small children, prepare for a few months of work…

7) Submit your App to Apple

Noted.

8) Adapt, market and survive!

I have a feeling along with the programming THIS will be the hardest stage.

So that’s what I need to do, it’s excellent having it listed like this. It makes it all seem so much more achievable and my brain is screaming “turn back now!” at a slightly lesser volume than it was before. I can hear the TV over it now, which is lovely.    

Singing along reluctantly to ‘It’s a marshmallow world in the winter’, I don’t know who originally sang it. I don’t think I want to know.

Baby its cold outside!
I’ve decided this blog has two basic ground rules: Every post title is a song or piece of music and the post will always start with clipart (because I just plain like clipart, who doesn’t?) that reminds me of IT lessons circa 1995. Apart from that, it’s a bit of a free for all. Luckily for you my world is pretty much limited to childcare, day time TV and Facebook so I’m hardly likely to start discussing ‘Dostoyevsky’ in depth any time soon. However, here’s a list of things I promise I will NEVER SUBJECT YOU TO:

A recipe for anything: You’ll currently find most of my recipes involve lots of frozen fish fingers, chips and peas shoved into an oven. The fish fingers are interchangeable with chicken nuggets.

Detailed descriptions of my children’s bodily fluids: I might mention them, but I’ll never, ever describe them. Not in depth anyway.

Sponsorship begging for a walk up Ben Nevis/ the Great Wall of China/ the moon.

Talking about my day if all its consisted of is scrubbing the kitchen floor and wiping snotty noses: That’s of interest to no-one. NO-ONE. Not even me.

J-pop/ K-pop/ C-pop: If you don’t know what this is, don’t enlighten yourself. Best keep my weird, would probably completely freak you out, obsessions to myself. Also under this heading is East Asian language/ culture/ politics et al, but obviously East Asia is a world hub of programming activity so I have some relevant to mention in that respect I will. I retain the right to talk about ‘Hello Kitty’ though, everyone needs a bit of ‘Hello Kitty’ in their lives.

Pictures of pets: Not that I have any pets to share with you.

Moan about how ugly/ fat/ annoying I’m feeling at any given time. I have two eyes, a nose and a mouth, I’m a healthy weight and my mind is functional. Go me.

Huge emotional outbursts: That’s what my friends are for.

But my top NO-NO for Appymum is:
Too much technical talk about app developing: because it would be total bullshit. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! I am completely new to this! If I need to look up a term and then break it down into idiot proof language to explain it to myself then that’s exactly what I’ll put on here, as I don’t want to alienate anybody… Especially myself.

I promised a bit more information on my family so here are some very basic descriptions of my boys:

Husband Ed: Likes cricket, Man United and football manager. Does not need to be nagged to put the bins out, therefore a keeper.

Kamran The kid: Endearingly serious. Do not engage in a conversation about the merits of ‘Star Wars’ vs ‘Star Trek’ or you will be there for hours. Worth his weight in platinum, not gold, PLATINUM for how fantastic he is with his little brothers.

Reuben the toddler: A stereotypical rough and tumble boy who will think nothing of jumping on your head rendering you unconscious. Good for growling at, and throwing food at people. Also fantastic for squishy, dribbly two year old cuddles.

Tobias (Toby) the baby: Personality still very much in the development stages. Main skill so far seems to be getting poo mysteriously outside of his carefully positioned nappy and all over his clothes, yet not a trace of poo remains inside the nappy itself. This screams to me, future politician. No poo sticks to him. The top of his head smells faintly of ‘Grana padano’ which is my favourite cheese so convenient really.

I have a poorly toddler and baby who sounds like he’s possessed by a gremlin to deal with today so all App related activities are suspended until this evening when I can pass them over to Ed. Sweet, unsuspecting Ed :)

Shaking my derriere to Beyonce’s ‘Run the world’

I have a computer based legacy to uphold don’t you know?

Daily Mail, You surprise me! There is actually a semi coherent article about the position many mothers find themselves in when re-entering the job market. And there’s not a sneering - ‘it’s working mothers fault for everything. House prices, the economy, AIDS’ - in sight! (Except maybe in the comments, NEVER read the the Daily Mail comments unless your particularly want an insight into a rampantly psychotic misogynist’s mind set).  

Is this the real price of motherhood?

Anyway: Operation learn C++ is off to a flying start. My first big discovery is to find that the software for developing C++ on a Windows based platform is prohibitively expensive, marvellous. Although not being completely naïve to the price of software, this did not come as a huge shock.   

Luckily, I hail from an illustrious background of huge computer geekery proportions. The legacy of which means my house is teeming with abandoned bits of old tech I can put to, if not good, at least interesting and experimental use. There’s an old PC that my brother built from scratch currently un-used in the garden shed so I will be converting it to run a freeware operating system called GNU. I’m pretty sure they’ll have a free C++ tool I can use.      

Operation piece of crap Mac: Ebay will be my friend, Ebay is always my friend. Come payday I am all over those 2^nd hand Mac sellers. And it’s the not the usual Mac I tend to bid for. As far as I’m concerned when you’re speaking ‘Mac’, you’re normally talking about my favourite makeup brand.

So I went to a Croydon business ‘tweet up’ this evening. It was… well, I’m very glad Liz was there to have a bevvie and a decent conversation with, that made it worthwhile.

Tomorrow’s big plan will involve dragging the PC that’s currently in the shed up to the house and setting it up somewhere habitable. I’m thinking the bedroom that already houses myself and Ed. Not to mention the baby. Speaking of which, I promise to explain our household situation and all its inhabitants fully and in detail tomorrow, although you probably know them already. If anyone but my mother reads these posts word for word it will come as a huuuuuuge shock. 

Dancing around to PJ and Duncan's 'Lets get ready to rumble'

Rejection.

Hello rejection, I’ve been turned down for another internal position yet again.

I love the company I currently work for. They are one of these well-known, we stand for the employee, we’re all in this together, much lauded, ‘big society’ kind of organisations, but I am repeated frustrated by my lack of progression. Obviously who am I to question the logic of head office personnel? For all I know I am up against Oxbridge Candidates with D.Phil.’s in advanced ‘Merchandise administrating’ or a D.Litt. in ‘Image coordinating’ or maybe a straight-up Bachelors in pen pushing. In this day and age, chances are, I probably am!  Although I am mystified when, as an experienced internal candidate for an internal position where my ‘core skill sets’ and ‘key competencies’ fit the prospective role perfectly,  time and time again I don’t even get short-listed for an interview.

Currently I am on maternity leave and I know if I go back to the role I previously did I am going to loathe it. The remits and functions that were of vague interest to me previously have been ‘centralised’ while I've been away, in other words, taken away to a far off land. Now I will probably be dragged away from the mainly desk based role I’d squeezed myself into and onto a till. Hell. No.

That is why I have started applying for new roles within the company where I believe my skill set is more appropriately matched. I have ‘multi-channel FMCG reverse logistics’ on my CV for Christ sake, them be fancy words. FANCY WORDS!!! Yet I can’t seem to get a job paying more than a pound and a few pence above minimum wage internally and I really want to stay with this particular organisation. But after doing my budgeting for next year I've realised it will just not be economically viable for my family for me to still be earning at this level once the Child tax credit changes come into effect from April. We will not break even on our childcare costs. I will effectively be paying to go to work. Financially we will be better off from me not being economically productive until all my children are in full-time education, which just seems bonkers and regressive to me. Call me insane, but I also think it’s important for mothers (or fathers if they are the primary carer) of young children to retain an aspect of financial independence. RADICAL I know. So it’s a case of trying to find a position that is more financially realistic for my needs (I’m only talking £20k here, I'm not aiming for untold riches!) or maybe it’s time to cut my losses and move on once my maternity leave is up.

This isn’t a moan; this isn’t a rage against the employment market as it is just the economic reality for many people at the moment. It is what it is and I should be grateful to have a job to at least go back to, and I really am. Instead of bitching and whining about my ‘mummy job’ and situation to all but my nearest and dearest (thank you nearest and dearest), I’ve decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns and do something proactive as I will eventually need to earn more money, to y’know, feed and clothe my family and stuff.  Now that the all-consuming newborn stage is over my thoughts are turning to just what the hell am I supposed to do professionally for the rest of my life to make, not only enough financially to afford an acceptable standard of living for myself and my family, but god forbid, try to find some form of employment fulfilling and worthwhile? It would be nice.

So here’s the deal:

I’m well known for settling myself ridiculous tasks. Such as: Let’s learn Mandarin from scratch as part of my degree whilst supporting myself with a 20 hour job and look after my two year old son. That’s realistic! (After three years of intensive Mandarin training, I am functional like, can say ‘hello,’ or order you a pizza, functional. Not sort out your acquisitions and mergers with the office in Beijing kind of functional).

Or:

Let’s move to Hong Kong for a year so I can carry on with this Chinese degree insanity and, by the way, the two year old is now a five year old oh and there’s a four month old in the mix too AND darling husband will have to give up his job so goodbye income and savings while you traipse off to Uni for 12 hour days 5 days a week. Completely sane, rational and do-able, but I did it.

If there’s a hard and difficult path, slap bang next to a neat one, with hedgerows and a fluffy baby bunny to pet as you’re ambling along its boarders, you can guarantee I’m going to make a beeline for the one that requires some heavy duty mountain gear and steel toe-capped boots.   

So here’s my challenge: I want to ‘re-skill’.  I want to become more useful. I’ve always been a bit wary of ending up pigeonholed by my own lack of technicality. I’m in awe of people who can do truly useful things like repair their own washing machine or debug a datagrid. Being practically equipped to actually create or fix something, instead of a CV full of ‘soft skills’ appears to be the way forward.

The big plan:

Develop a sellable App, from scratch, by myself in 6 months and market it successfully – piece of cake? Yeeeeeah.

Smartphone and tablet applications have revolutionised our everyday interactions and I think I want in dammit. I love Apps. Full on love them. I’m probably messing around with a new one every single day and I’m an avid consumer of all things App related. Why not try and get involved creating something I’m passionate about?   

This isn't so much an attempt to make myself OH MY GOD amazingly rich like those developer stories you hear. Less ‘I want to become an iPhone App millionaaaaaaaaire!’, more ‘I’d like to make an App, see if I can hack it, buy my kids new school shoes as that would be quite nice thanks, and maybe a box of chocolates, but Hotel chocolat ones, not Thorntons’. I’m being realistic in my expectations as this is as very genuine skill I’d like to acquire, not just as a credible potential self-employment line for the future, but also it’s a matter of fulfilment. I need to engage my brain for things other than small boy herding and facebooking now and again, and the sheer joy of learning a new computer based skill might just be fun right. Right?!   

The logistics:

I have just under 5 months until I return to work (if I can return). I have three small boys under 8 to herd. I start up my degree for the final push in May.

So to sum up, what do I know about Apps?: Back end functions of? Not a lot. Did I mention I love Apps? They do useful things.

Have I done any research into what Apps could be marketable?: Hahahaha. No.

 Do I have any programming knowledge? See ‘Hahahaha’ in the previous answer. In my favour I know very, very basic HTML and CSS.  Not that I think it will remotely help, but at least I know how to switch a computer on. It’s a massive step in the right direction.

 Do I have the time to develop a sellable App with three small boys to herd/ degree finishing/ working: Probably not, but we’ll see how I go. Did I mention I like to set ridiculous tasks for myself?

That’s it for today. For the time being I’m off to start developing a passing acquaintance with C++, I hear it could be useful.

Tomorrow I’ll start actually looking into this properly and I might cry a little when I realise the enormity of what I’m putting myself through.

BIGGEST ISSUE:

I have no Mac to create it on. Apparently to create a legit Apple App you need a Mac. Ah. Flaw.

1^st mission: Acquire cheap as I possibly can, piece of crap, old Mac to do the job. Preferably either or mini or a netbook. It needs to be portable. I have to multi-task it in odd locations. I have a baby to breastfeed in awkward positions on the sofa after all.